Men

MEN! Before I begin, let me just say that most of the time I really like most men – have even been known to love one or two!  So maybe I’m just having a bad day, but I’m beginning to lose faith in the male of our species. This could be due to the fact that most of our male world political leaders are disappointing to say the least, and in SA, aside from our own very inspiring and adored Nelson Mandela, we have very few (if any) political male role models who arouse any admiration or reverence.

So what I was thinking is that we need a few more Julia Gillard’s and Maggie Thatcher’s in power. Women with cojones! Maybe we need to start a world revolution and kick all these testosterone laden men off their perches, then we might still have a chance of world peace, saving the environment, stopping terrorism and saving the tiger from extinction!  Women are generally peace makers.  We’d rather compromise and negotiate a solution than fight with people. We may be seductresses, but we seldom force our attentions on men if they aren’t wanted. Very few of us enjoy hunting for sport. We are fiercely protective. We are mostly rational and have the added advantage of having high EQs (except perhaps while suffering from PMS, post natal depression or menopausal symptoms)!

I reckon if we were in power and were told by environmentalists that we must stop using smelly diesel trucks because they’re polluting the air we breathe, we’d ban them immediately!  If our coastline was being fished to oblivion by foreigners lurking off our shores – we’d send out our entire Navy to stop it.  If our rape statistics were the highest in the world, we’d distribute the penis clutching condom to every female from littlies to octogenarians and pass a law stating that perpetrators are only allowed to get them removed by female doctors! Female police officers would be assigned to these cases and ensure appropriate justice was served (ha)!

Of course, it isn’t that simple. If it’s true that most men are driven by their egos, then most women are driven by a desire to attract and please men. Many women define themselves by their sexual attractiveness and losing their desirability is total anathema to them. As Lady Gaga said: “We are born this way” and then it’s cultivated by society in general, especially those in fashion and in the media. It’s the one major defect in the female species and ensures that we stay exactly where we are on the totem pole. It’s why we go to extraordinary lengths to look good, worry constantly about our weight and are more inclined to get depressed.  It’s really hard to live up to the ideal in our heads!  Most overweight women feel horrible about themselves whereas the male species are quite happy to walk around with a midsection large enough to carry quadruplets (carrying a beer in one hand and a boerie roll in the other) without giving a hoot about what people think!

Being the proud mother of two mostly delightful boys, it seems to me that males are genetically disposed to believe that they are the rulers of the Earth.  They are coddled, nurtured and protected by us until they reach puberty, when they begin to turn into their pre-programmed male destinies. Even the littlies secretly believe that we are there to serve their every whim. In their mid-teens, boys are at their pimply-faced worst (not that girls are much better).  Many become secretive, introspective and their conversation alternates between unintelligible grunts and monosyllabic answers.  I think it’s during this period that a vast chasm opens between the sexes – girls are generally intellectually brighter and far more emotionally intelligent than their male counterparts. If boys aren’t sexually attractive, popular or accepted, they begin to develop insecurities which could plague them for years thereafter, perhaps even the rest of their lives.  They make up for this by bluffing confidence and in some cases taking it to the extreme, physically or verbally abusing the women and girls who make them feel inferior.

We can’t forget the well known saying: “Behind every great/successful man there’s a woman!”, made famous by the Eurythmics song: “Sisters are doing it for themselves”, however, as a male friend cheekily said: “… and behind (or maybe in front) of every man who is caught with his pants down… there is a female who got him into that position!” Speaking of which, the penis – somewhat amusing in its flaccid state but resembling a powerful, rigid, mighty sword when erect, with the ability to bring women to their knees (forgive the pun); is quite possibly the main reason for the legions of messed up men out there.  Could there be some truth to Robin Williams’ joke? He reckons once the penis engorges with blood and rises to its vertical state, not enough blood supply reaches the brain, and therefore it doesn’t function properly!  Bearing in mind that the average teenage boy thinks about sex every 6 minutes or so, and the average man not too far off that mark; that means that men spend a vast amount of time in an aroused state, so perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that the world is in such a pitiful state? To this, my male friend said: “If it IS true that when the penis is full to the brim there isn’t enough blood to operate the brain at the same time… then which would you prefer – half mast and doing the cross word, or would you just prefer to shut up and do your duty for God and country?!”

I guess the answer is for men and women to work together to create a world that uses our strengths to the greatest advantage of all.  But is that possible?  Perhaps instead of scientists cloning sheep like Dolly (which seems of little advantage except perhaps in Australasia where they are purported to attract more than just rams) they should look at how to blend our hormones to make us into the ideal human specimens!  Just imagine women all lined up to get injections of testosterone, androgen and other male hormones!  And men? Well they definitely wouldn’t do the needle thing, but perhaps we could secretly add a dash of oestrogen and progesterone to their beer cans to balance their male hormones and help them to be less competitive and more compassionate. I think the world would be a much nicer place to live in!